Thoughts About the Future

I've been thinking lately, actually I've kind of been haunted lately by this thought that continues to creep into my blissful and fantasy filled life here in Germany. As we inch toward our one year mark I sometimes feel guilty for all I've been able to experience this year. To me, my life is so much more than I could have ever wished for; why a small town girl like me deserves so many blessings is a mystery to me.  I watch the news and to some extent I feel removed from the realities of people suffering in places like Japan and the Middle East.  I continue to watch and I'm reminded that we are still at war and my husband, no matter how currently removed, is still a part of that reality.

When I get these feelings of guilt I try to remind myself that it is no accident that we are here in Germany; and it's not an accident that we are so thoroughly enjoying our time here. Yesterday, I was at the playground with my kids and I heard several other military moms complaining about being stationed here.  They complained about how expensive it is here, complained about living in a different culture, and talked about how they don't have a desire to explore their new environment.  In this moment I realized that Europe is not necessarily everyone's dream come true.

I couldn't even begin to imagine living here and hating it so much, actively counting the weeks, months and years until returning to the States; not this girl.  I firmly believe--when life gives you lemons you make lemonade.  For me, my European adventure is anything but a basket of lemons.  To this small town girl, Europe is like the most decadent piece of chocolate, and I'm CHOOSING to use this chocolate to make a sumptuous cake piled sky high with sweet frosting.  I'm determined to make the most of every single second here because I know that life is not a dress rehearsal and even though I've been blessed with so many good days I dare not waste a single one. I know I will eventually awaken from this dream and I will be back home in the country I love and my husband will return to a job filled with sacrifice.

A few weeks ago, my husband mentioned a coworker would be deploying to Afghanistan as soon as they left Germany and returned to the States.  That was all my thinking brain needed to hear, a tiny seed was immediately planted and my mind has now settled on the possibility of this reality. As I stand back and watch this military life cycle turn, I see families prepare to leave Germany this summer and the thought of everything that means is very real for me even though I still have two years left.  I've also noticed the way I feel when I read my Facebook friend's reports about their husbands and their current and future deployments. I know all too well the emptiness they are trying to fill while their husbands are away and I'm filled with feelings of guilt for living on my three year holiday while they are suffering through deployments. There is a very good chance, that I will meet a similar fate in a few short years when I return to the States, and this is the nightmare that won't leave my mind.

I so wish I could say something that would make me sound honorable and strong, but the truth is I really hate war and hate being without my husband. If and when he comes home and says he's off to Afghanistan, I will understand and not complain because I know it is his turn to go.  I also know that no matter how much we don't like being apart, it is his obligation and duty as a Marine; responsibility often comes at a hefty price.  But make no mistake about the reality, deployments are a nightmare for military families. For now, I'm going to do my best to lock my fears away and live in the beautiful moment of the present.

I pray for all the service men and women that are in harms way today and the families they leave behind.